8 : 11 A.M.
It's all too much

Up late guessing at music. I'm taking a break to organize my CDs, of all things, because it is a convenient and time-wasting activity that takes the load of creativity off my brain. It makes me feel lazy, though. Every label in the case is someone's income for a year, who knows how many hours of work and how many thousands of mistakes. I look up at my own work and I envision a little progress bar widget which says something like [ 67 out of 49,060 mistakes completed ] Even though no one is listening, I feel impaled on the production values imposed on myself. I could take a little 4 track and record myself poking nervously at my cheap controller, direct in. That's all it takes, if you're great. However. (Whatever!) I am both a) not, and b) trying to learn how to make recordings that don't sound as bad as 4 track direct in demos.

It's fun working with this stuff, but I have a hard time getting started. And I keep telling myself that I'm lazy. Some people might say I'm chastizing myself for being lazy, but what is lazy? Being disinclined to do stuff? And why would I be disinclined? Just because it takes too much energy? (Ooh, deja vu) No... I put tons of energy into much less pleasurable pursuits. Too short an attention span? I can pay attention to one line of program for 5 hours. That's pretty good in my book. No, it's something complicated and mental. Or maybe simple and mental, like: somewhere in there, I don't think very much of myself, so I try to avoid success in order to keep the pressure off? This also manifests itself as, whenever someone is judging me, I sabotage myself in order to disappoint them early on. Otherwise I get to freak out about when the charade will end and I'll actually disappoint them the entire time. In the event that I'm too preoccupied with worrying about something else, sometimes I actually do some pretty good things. (This is why very harsh deadlines are important at work)

A guy on my block has a Ford Prefect. I would have named it the Ford Hat.
Then again, if you name all cars by this method, my car is the Volvo Brick.

By the same token, this could be the Chevy Lawnmower.
Lots of great cars on this block, like the Citroens, which are all named "Bert".

Could have just said "no parking" like all the other garages, but nooo.