console: I am repulsed

I've been trying to get a job. When I'm not at Kris' or Julie's house, or walking aimlessly through various parts of Seattle, I'm at home sitting in front of the computer. I'm not always doing something useful, or even entertaining. Sometimes I'm just sitting there. Maybe I'll connect to a UW dialup and browse web pages for a few hours, accomplishing nothing but feeling my place in the world as an idle cog. It doesn't help. It's making me complacent, and at the same time, it's making me sick of my computer. That, I realized, is why I feel repulsed at the idea of writing email to anyone, or writing any new programs, or ANYTHING useful involving the computer. I can use my browser. I can play video games. Anything that doesn't accomplish something. So, if I can do THIS...

console: Turn the computer off

If I actually manage to turn the computer off for (some arbitrary amount of time) per day, I might actually start doing all those other things I've been neglecting for around 11 months now. Living with Ed, I had a sort of reference point, a mirror. Someone to help me see how slowly I could move. So, I'd actually do stuff. I could clean up the house, plow through programming theory, do all that stuff which annoys me right now. If I had been living with Ed when I left my job, I'd probably have gotten a new one within a month.

console: get a roommate

I can't get a roommate unless I get a house. To do that, I need a job. To do that, I need to un-stall. It's a simple idea: I start doing things, continuously. COuld I just start doing things right now? I can, can't I? Hell. What the fuck am I doing now? Wasting time. I'm not doing it by accident, either. I am definately trying to avoid doing things. Why do I hate doing things? I used to love doing stuff. But here I am.

console: Reverse everything

I know. I'll cut the browsing to three websites a day. Any other computer time is used answering email or experimenting with the languages I should know by now. Answer email? That's the worst of all, because I've already alienated everyone. They're talking, and I'm just sitting here. I haven't forgotten who anyone is, at least. Oh. That reminds me. I should probably quit Diary-L or implement some sort of smarter filter scheme for it. It's just like browsing the web, but delivered to my door. I guess it's sort of like getting "The Intellectual Muppet Magazine".

console: do it now

Doing it. bye.